Martin Kemp plays a former MI5 hit man who is blackmailed into killing people by a mysterious killer who will kill people unless Martin Kemp kills people.
THIS REVIEW CONTAINS MANY SPOILERS. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.
One morning, Martin Kemp gets a phone call. “I want you to kill me some people,” a gravelly voiced man says. “I ain’t killing no one, you mug,” says Martin Kemp before putting the phone down. But this is no random cold caller and before you can say ‘I preferred him in those furniture ads,’ BANG, the gravelly voiced man has shot Martin Kemp’s girlfriend, who was just leaving Martin Kemp’s house. And then bang again, another person has been shot in Martin Kemp’s street. This gravelly voiced man means business. “Stop it!” says Martin Kemp. “Stop killing people in my street right now!” But the gravelly man doesn’t stop. The gravelly voiced man continues. The gravelly voiced man kills another person in Martin Kemp’s street. He kills a man who is (despite being on a street where two people have just been shot in the head by a sniper) sitting on a bench having a chat on his phone. He was just having a chat on his phone, gravelly voiced man! What had he ever done to you? This gravelly voiced man is a wrong ‘un, and no mistake.
But what can Martin Kemp do? The gravelly voiced man has his daughter.
And so, Martin Kemp kills the people that the gravelly voiced man tells him to kill. Occasionally he doesn’t kill people fast enough so the gravelly voiced man kills some more people. At one point the gravelly voiced man machine guns an entire coffee shop. Lots of people die. Lots and lots of people. Sometimes other things happen too. There is a whole thing with some police doing something or other, but mostly it’s just killing.
But then the gravelly voiced man goes too far. “I want you to blow up a far-right march,” he says. Now, it’s one thing to ask Martin Kemp to randomly kill strangers, but blowing up a far-right rally? No, thinks Martin Kemp, I draw a line. I will do your bidding no more, gravelly voiced man. As Meatloaf once sang, I’ll kill anyone for my daughter, but I won’t kill Sun readers. Sling your hook, you total mug. Do one.
Martin Kemp tracks down the gravelly voiced man, and finds out who he is. Spoiler alert, he’s the only other character who was established at the start of the film. You know, the one who was angry and bitter and threatening revenge. Remember? The one who seemed a bit unhinged? The one who didn’t feel remorse at the death of an innocent person? Yep. That’s the one. It turns out, he’s the killer. Who would have thought, eh? Naturally, Martin Kemp kills him. THEN DEXTER FLETCHER KILLS MARTIN KEMP!!!
But no, he is only fake dead because in this ‘Age of Kill’ that we live in we need a Martin Kemp to do the bad forrins in Germany, innit. That’s just the way it is. You can’t change that. It’s an ‘Age of Kill’ and no mistake guvna. It’s do or be done.
each blu-ray gets a score: the amount of money I can sell the blu-ray for in pence (up to a maximum of a pound) multiplied or divided by its ‘suckiness score’. The suckiness scale is as follows: The film is amazing = x3, It is good enough to keep = x2, It is ok, but not good enough to keep = x1, It is quite bad = ÷2, It is very bad indeed = ÷4 = It is unforgivably bollocks ÷6, It is as bad as I, Frankenstein = ÷7, It is worse than I, Frankenstein = ÷8.
Age of Kill is a true stinker, but arguably not as bad as I, Frankenstein and certainly made with a lot less money. So 9p divided by 6 gives a score of 1.5.